Venturing to find the Extraordinary in the Ordinary

It’s the beginning of a brand-new year. A few days in, but still brand-spanking-new. The day before the last year ended, we celebrated our family Christmas, and my mother (knowing of my frustration with devotionals written by people who seem to have life together) thoughtfully gave me a “Real-Life Devotional Bible.”

Today I sat down to look at it. And the first devotional in it centered on Genesis 1 – “In the Beginning…”

Apparently, an apt way to begin a new year.

The message of the devotion for “Day 1” was about rest. The author observed that throughout the creation story, there is a repeated statement: “…and there was evening, and there was morning…”

God creates and works, but the priority is rest. Time is centered on that period of rest, not of activity. It may seem to us that the most important part of the day is that part with the most energy, the most productivity, the most potential for getting things accomplished – but the time of rest is just as important, if not more so. To “rest” doesn’t necessarily mean sitting around twiddling your thumbs – although it may, for some folks – but to pause. To take a moment (or several) and center yourself. To reconnect with your priorities. To physically relax and let your body and mind be refreshed, renewed, restored.

In all honesty, it was a nice little devotional, but it dredged up a lot of frustration in me. I have struggled with feeling extremely disconnected from God for the past while – like I’ve tried everything I know how to do to try and connect but nothing seems to happen. There was a time when I had verbal, out-loud conversations with the Divine. When I could easily discern the next step of the moment or see God’s presence in the details of life. When Yhwh was tangibly present in every breath I took. But two years ago my understanding of God shifted. My understanding of God as passionate and compassionate, constructing and destructing, loving and angry, jealous and bold, gentle and grace-filled – was turned on its head. I still cannot reconcile how I could know so tangibly the Divine work I was engaged in as a wife/mother as well as a spiritual leader – and have that stripped away from me so violently by pastors standing on Kingdom Authority.

Did God take a rest that day? I don’t see how the Divine was present in that situation – both with me and against me in the same moment – in a position where I was told I had to decide how to cut my heart in half, only to have it torn by others.

In the last two years, I’ve had people (with the best intentions) suggest that this is a time of rest for me – that I should be thankful for it – that I should focus on my family – that I should seek peace and contentment. Never mind the gaping wound in my spirit, or that my faith has been bleeding out in front of them. Clots have formed, and callouses and scabs have occasionally grown – but the wound is still deep, and still present – and still comes back to the same point. Where was God? If all of this is part of some divine master-plan, or was in any way done with prayer and godly wisdom/guidance – how is it possible that the cost of the actions taken by others has been my Spirit? My faith? My soul?

Where is God in that? In all of my years working with Christians, with churches, in Divinity School, in ministry, in life – I have never seen such a contradiction. Where the Spirit-inspired actions of God have come at the cost of someone’s faith. Yes, bad things happen to good people. Yes, we seek to find purpose in them because it makes us feel better. Yes, there are times when we do need to take a period of rest and seek peace. But I’ve been trying to do that for two years now. I’ve all but given up because no matter how I turn it around in my head, I cannot understand how any of this is godly. Even though we landed in a godly place, and the people we are surrounded with are Christ-centered and care about us, I still don’t understand how these wounds were caused by holy means. How my heart could be shredded by Christ. How my faith could be so wounded by the One I trusted so much.

And so I fight the idea of rest. Of taking time and centering myself. Of making my relationship with God, who seemed to stand by and guide both sides of the harmful act, a priority. Of hoping that maybe this was all human pride and action – that the pastors standing on Kingdom Authority were wrong (not that they would admit it) and God was present but still somehow allowed my heart and faith to be mangled. Because my heart wasn’t cleanly cut – it was shredded. Because it hurts to sit still and bleed out. It scares me to imagine what I might hear if God speaks – what I might discover, or be asked to do if I rest.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. God created, and then he rested before beginning a new day of creation. Time in Genesis begins in the evening – the time of rest ad renewal that comes before the act of creating, of providing, of sustaining.

If only it were an easy task.

It’s December – although there isn’t snow on the ground (or even in the air, for that matter), Christmas carols are playing. Cookies are being baked. A tree has been bought and decorated. Gifts are starting to pile up. We are waiting for a baby.

We live in a birth-control world. We live in a world of stress and chaos beyond our comprehension where often the single-most thing we can control is our body and what we do with it. Until we can’t.

For some women, pregnancy is a result of their own decision – for others, the result of someone else’s. Some women are overjoyed at the prospect, many are scared, some are even repelled and appalled by the idea. Some women will even long for the results to come back positive, while others don’t give it a second thought what it means to want a child. Some experience smooth pregnancies without concern, while others struggle with depression, anxiety, or other legitimate concerns over their growing bellies – or over why their bellies will not grow. Some babies will be entirely healthy, born without complication, while others will need medical intervention and care – or will be beyond that help.

My point is that we are in the midst of Christmas season – a time that most of us associate with joy and love and warm, fuzzy feelings as we stroll through malls and hang decorations and watch shiny light bounce off of snowflakes. It’s easy to forget that there is much more to this season than light and joy and peace-filled thoughts.

I find myself in a balancing act that just leave me exhausted – physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. When we moved to this new area, I needed a job. I spent months applying to anything and everything I could find in online or in print – I sent in hundreds of applications. But, it turns out, I’m overqualified for 99.9% of those positions. I have too much experience. Too much eduction. Too much specialty in one area and not enough life experience in others. Factor in the fact that, because our family has moved so much in the past several years for reasons beyond my control, I’ve not been able to hold any of the jobs on my resume more than 1 year – long story short, I got turned down by dollar stores and non-profits alike, and all for the same reasons.

It was utterly rejecting and demoralizing. But I eventually found myself interviewing for a position that I currently hold part-time. And a year later I was approached about working with the local school part-time. I work both jobs, and I’m exhausted all of the time because neither of them uses my gifts and talents as completely as they could be used. Because there isn’t much (if any) wriggle room for me to move into a different position without further exhaustion. Because I’m afraid to give one – or both – up. I’m afraid to trust – to hope – that the sacrifice would pay off when so often in the recent years of my experience, such sacrifices have left me reeling.

Ephesians 4:7-16 reads (NRSV):
But each of us was given grace according to the measure of Christ’s gift. Therefore it is said, “When he ascended on high he made captivity itself a captive; he gave gifts to his people.” (When it says, “He ascended,” what does it mean but that he had also descended into the lower parts of the earth? He who descended is the same one who ascended far above all the heavens, so that he might fill all things.) The gifts he gave were that some would be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of the ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until all of us come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to maturity, to the measure of the full stature of Christ. We must no longer be children, tossed to and fro and blown about by every wind of doctrine, by people’s trickery, by their craftiness in deceitful scheming. But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly, promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love.

These are the words that sit in my head this morning – the challenge I find as I am frustrated with the exhaustion of two jobs and fear of change. What was I gifted with? I’ve lost sight of it. I used to say that my role was that of a pastor – a reluctant one, but that none the less. And yet, just as I acknowledged that call and stopped fighting God, I found myself reeling from more circumstances beyond my control. I’m still reeling, but the sharp pain has dulled and time has moved on – but to revisit these words – to own them and discover them within myself – scares me. Puts me in a place of having to take ownership again of God’s gifts in my life. Puts me in a place of being held accountable for how I use them – in what I do. And that terrifies me. And exhausts me.

I woke up with a new sense of responsibility this morning – you know, the sense you have on January 2nd when you’ve vowed before God and mankind to go to the gym more, or to reform your eating habits, or to travel to all 50 states, or even to clean your house more than once a year…The sense that there is hope of a new day – a new chance for change – a bright future ahead!

And all the while, a small part of you realizes that the optimism will sooner or later fade and you’ll face the choice of trudging along in your vow, chalking it up as a lost cause, or persevering triumphantly(!) to meet your goal.

I think I’m going to approach this task as a discipline rather than as a goal.  In the midst of the daily chaos and pressures of life, it’s not going to be easy to carve out time to stand still and add a post.  Yet, I think, it will be worth it.

A few short years ago I attended a series of studies focused on Richard M. Foster’s book, Celebration of Disciplines.*  In it, Foster has discerned and described 12 spiritual disciplines: the “inward disciplines” of the Christian life (prayer, fasting, meditation, and study), the “outward disciplines” that are visible to others (simplicity, solitude, submission, and service), and the “corporate disciplines” that are exercised with others (confession, worship, guidance, and celebration).

I am not going to go into exhaustive detail about all of these disciplines at the moment, but I mention them because days like today I am reminded of how much time, energy, and work it is to cultivate a discipline-filled life – spiritually as well as practically.

Foster’s book (which you can find online, as it’s come out in several editions) centers on helping people cultivate depth – of their spiritual life, and of their understanding of God.  I struggled to incorporate those disciplines into my life when I first read the book many years ago as an idealistic college student for Pastor Wally’s Intro to Ministry class (Caramel Macchiatos come to mind!).  I struggled again during that series of studies.  The disciplines make sense.  They cultivate spiritual life and Divine understanding organically. They aren’t as abstract or as difficult to practice as you may imagine.  But practicing them as a discipline – as a practice of instruction that molds, shapes, corrects, or focuses – is HARD.

And yes, I was tempted to use my whiney-voice just now.

The purpose of this space is to be a place where I can engage and wrestle with various thoughts and topics, to share the depths I have discovered so that others may be blessed.  I don’t want this to become an occasional hobby, but it’s going to take effort to cultivate that depth while seeking to share it.  That’s going to require intentionality, forethought, and accountability – as well as giving of my time, energy, and effort.

Hmm.

Yes.  It’s worth it.

______________________________________________________________*As much as I would like to provide all of the bibliographical information about the Celebration of Disciplines, I am writing this from memory and do not have it all handy.  It has come out in several editions over the years, and possibly through more than one publisher; if you do a search for it, you should be able to find it pretty easily!

I prefer to describe myself as not exactly technologically adept; in all honesty, I’m more able to find my way around webpages and computers (and my iPhone) than I’m likely to admit.  There’ some thing about owning your abilities that makes you vulnerable – it raises the bar of expectation.  Somewhere along the line I went from designing webpages and converting files with skill and confidence to downplaying my knowledge and ability with technology.  I don’t know when exactly that was, but rest assured (I know I do!): setting that expectation low means that I’m never asked to push buttons on highly expensive pieces of equipment without supervision!

And yet, here we are.  I’ve spent the free moments of my day (when the kids are quiet, the husband’s occupied elsewhere, and the dogs have given up their quest for attention) putting together this space – creating the environment, if you will.  It may not be anything breathtaking or earth-shattering, but it’s clean.  Thought-filled.  Mine.

I do want to give a shout-out to the folks at KDA Technologies – especially Wes Dean – for preparing this space for me, and for being willing to answer the “desperately screwed up and need help!” phone calls that haven’t happened yet, but probably will…(see the note about expectations above!)  There are lots of folks who are incredibly good at the work they do – and when you factor in a desire to help people connect (personally or professionally) – you really won’t find a better group of folks!

And so, with no further ado, here we go!

WELCOME to my little corner of the world…wide web, that is! This is the space I’ve carved out (with a lot of help from the folks at KDA Technologies, and with the support of my family) to share my thoughts – practical, theological, spiritual, creative, and so forth.

It is my prayer and hope that this space will be a blessing to you – who-ever you are, where-ever you are, and what-ever is going on in your life. It is also my prayer and hope that this space will be a safe space where you can share your thoughts as well, turning my posts into a conversation that can nurture, challenge, inform, and inspire!